Oxymorons - Robyn Makaruk

The bridegroom had arranged everything in advance.  Their romance was an open secret and they planned to move into a mobile home after the honeymoon.  He was not known to be a spendthrift, but this was to be a bittersweet wedding, his first marriage ending just hours after the ceremony when his bride choked on eating too many jumbo shrimp after washing them down with firewater.  A friend had been hired to handle the speechwriting, and someone else had edited each piece with a ballpoint pen and given them to him as the final draft.  Both bride and groom had separately crafted their own vows that would be delivered as new and improved versions of the standard.

The venue was nothing fancy, and as the bride worked for a shipping and freight forwarding company, they chose an industrial park for the ceremony and the reception to be held in the plant itself.  A one-man band had been hired who would be presenting ‘golden oldies’ and new tunes which the artist had recorded live and these would be presented in random order.   

It was a small guest list, more from the bride’s side of the family than the groom’s.  Her cousin was an idiot savant who was into rock music.  He was a highly-paid consultant by the Pentagon as an expert in military intelligence, peacekeeping missiles and war games.

The chosen menu contained only organic produce, nothing fresh frozen as the prior event’s food had shown signs of freezer burn and tasted like airline food. The caterers were instructed to use paper tablecloths, plastic silverware, and plastic glasses all of which would be virtually spotless.

The bride’s gown had been purchased sight unseen from a mail-order store, and it was whispered that she would present herself barely clothed and with proud humility. Her engagement ring was a genuine imitation of real counterfeit diamonds.  The groom’s outfit was more likely to be along the lines of designer jeans.

How could this NOT be a winning event, so far from the standard deviation and with this diatribe containing 34 oxymorons!

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